know me?

When I was a little boy Grendel was a boogey man, a scary misshapen monster of a man who prowled through my house, and used my bedroom as his home.
He visited my mind often and caused trembles and shakes chasing me in nightmares and chasing me awake.

As I grew older my Grendel changed and became those stranger men- who I knew and who knew me.
They really weren't strangers, but after what they did they became strangers to me.
Then the Grendel changed again and became an intangible thing, a thing called puberty- which pushed and pulled and rolled boys into men.
However, i wondered what happened when, hormones pumped through the veins- while boys looked to girls and girls looked to boys- I wanted both of just the same.

Once again Grendel came and evolved, fragility was the new form he took- teaching the essence of vain.
Dad proved fragile first his veins corrupted with gunk, then mom took an icy spill and fell and life never would be the same.
Here Grendel grabbed hold and never let go as death became real and looming.
As imminent paths all lead to his door- unvarying; uncaring; unfeeling.

College soon came and Grendel once more proved a foe to hard to hide from.
This time multiheaded unlike never before, He was a zealous and hungry- omnipresent,
He now came from within and without all the same.
Unable to hide, Grendel consumed what little pride and boxed the remaining me in.

Now older and wiser, and convinced in myself, grendel no longer existed, I had swallowed him whole and took no note and ended my grendel's existence.
but how I lied to myself and thought it had ended, but it nested and festered then upended,
the rest of my life i thought would be swell, but Grendel came back unabated.
He gnawed and clawed and feasted on me, so hungry from his clositered existence.
Grendel never had left- i only deceived myself and now i paid my Piper.
With ferocity Grendel served His revenge frigid and biting upon me,
ripping me open he tore at my soul, my spirit, my mind and my limbs.
He destroyed who i was and scattered my peices to strangers- voyuers- usurpers.
i lied there all bare- alone, scared, unsure, unfeeling, uneven.
He rested on me, Breathing- sloberring- seething,
Breeding a hate within me, a loathing to see, this pain, this unfeeling - suffusion,
all around me, about me, above and below me- come feel what i'm feeling and know me.

Playing With Fire

We climbed over the stairs, the old house with its splintering wood and peeling paint looked like day old sunburnt skin. Cautiously we tip-toed, deftly manuvering over wasted pieces of wood, and stepping to test for the volume of creaking. Ducking under the windows- we watched anxioulsy for signs of the grizzled man inside; while scanning the byway for the obvious signs of someone, anyone who might notice and spot us. Finally we attained our target- a small square inscribed on the ancient wood floor; within the square a small insignificant handle was cut blending as if it were part of the normal distress and aging.
We raised the small trap door and while Jason kept a lookout I slipped down into the recesses of the front porch.
"Hurry, come on!" I barked in a muted order.
Jason's legs came through dangling for a few seconds before he dropped with a thud. I popped up and shut the trap door- we were in our new and now official secret hideout. A smile stretched across our faces we were ecstatic. A cool breeze came from under the house, we turned to look under the house and saw a black portal which seperated the lighted porch area, our hideout, from the innards of the house. Light broke through in bits from above, worming through the holes in the floor and spotlighted the weeds, bits of grass and dirt, but when it hit the dark portal the light evaporated leaving everything behind it blacker than pitch. A breeze blew from the portal cool and wet and felt good agianst or skin on this hot summer day. There was a lattice which surrounded the bottom of the porch- walling our fortress, camoflauged with plants on the outside and high weeds and grass on the inside it all helped to secure our fortress, camoflauging us from the outside world. Surveying our hideout we realized the jackpot we just struck, and in our eyes, smiles and spirit we were both exultant.

A truck kicked up dust as it clammored down a gravel and asphalt trail which in our village passed for a street. Jason giggled and then I started "this was great!," we chuckled to each other sitting on the cool brown dirt we fought hard to keep our excitement from becoming to boisterous.

'WHAAMP!' came suddenly as the screen door clapped against it's frame- it was the wizened man. Collectively our hearts swelled in our chests and the mixture of excitement and anxiety plunged us into some innate giddiness.
"Shh, shut up!" "don't be so loud!" "Stop it!" "SHH' were launched from our mouths to each other in rash whispers punctuated by the mans, clumps and thumps of his boots on our roof. Each footstep caused us to jump and we were sure we were going to be seen. Like rats we scurried in the opposite direction of whereever the old man was. We squated next to the house core's portal and looked up throw the holes in our roof and grew anxious, and then we peered into the darkness. "We should go back there." I stammered, fear cracking through each syllable. Jason gave a look as if I had just punched his gut and then sucked the breath out of him. The oldfangled man turned and walked down the wooden steps and was gone. Sweat was beading up on my forehead, when the house breathed a cool breath into our hideout- I began to relax and sighed deep followed by Jason. Jason's face started to relax as did mine and soon a giant grin began to swallow his face.
"He didn't know we were here." Jason enthusiastically clammored
"I know, this is great."
"Hey I brought something for us."
Jason pulled from his pocket a small paper box- red and blue and on one side a bumpy rough patch. 'Pandora's box' I thought I loved mythology- reading and listening about it, any chance I could I wolfed down books on Zeus and the gods of Olympus. Now sitting in Jason's hand Pandora's box, it looked incredible radiating excitement and fun and still we were unsure of what we could with it.
"Give it to me." I demanded my heart turning colder towards Jason, because I wanted what was inside.
"No, it's mine, i brought them." Jason's voice dripped with equal lust for the contents.
We fought under the porch forgetting we must protect our secret hideout, when suddenly a new discord stung the air- a car driving down the road snapped us back. Immediately we ceased all talking and moving and waited for the car to pass and for the sake of preserving our secret we made sure no one had heard us. Once we were sure everything was okay Jason opened his hand again and the box again seemed to glow in his hands, or was it a shaft of light coming through one of the holes in the porch?
Opening the box we made a count of the contents there were 5- two and two and one extra.
We took one of the sticks out of the box, and gently rubbed it on the rough side. Sparks flew and a small smelly clouds came from the tip of the stick. Then there was a burst of light and heat, we laughed quitely and watched as it burned the stick as it grew close to our fingers and warmed our fingertisp. Before it got too close we blew out the flame, laughed as carefully as we could and made plans for the next one. Throughout each event we struggled to keep our laughter and excitement contained and low and when we put out the flame our struggle ended, but as soon as we were under control we took another stick and started all over again.
On the last stick we fought over who would light it, and finally Jason took it and struck it against the box. He began talking to me about how great the hideout was and how cool these fire sticks were and then I wanted to hold it.
"Give it to me, come one."
"No!"
"it's the laste one, come one."
"No!"
paying no attention to how much was burned it singed his fingers and fell onto the floor of the porch. As it fell it touched off some of the dry camogflauge and the fire from the stick transferred to the grass in our hideout.
We began to put it out, but it grew like a monster- swallowing more and more grass, getting wider and taller.
Panic began to set in and we began to get excited and loud. Our best efforts to put out the fire came first from our mouths as spit flew like a sad pathetic barely rainstorm we realized that wasn't going to work so we began throwing dirt over the flames, and abruptly realized that wasn't doing it either.
Desperately and suddenly Jason screamed "Pee, on it!"
Immediately we dropped our pants and tried to pee, but the one thing I have learned from this event is when you command yourself to pee it will never happen- we both made that realization that day. We sat there on our knees hose in hand aiming like a firefighter with his hose in hand and nothing! "What are we going to do?"
We blasted out from under the porch not caring about hiding ourselves or keeping our new found secret- heck we wanted to just save it. Coming from out of nowhere there stood the doddering man.
"What are ya'll doing." Anger seethed from the old man's voice as smoke rolled from under his porch,
"Get back here and put out this damn fire."
We ran past him with no acknowledgements and grabbed the water hose, pulling and tugging like mad we ran the hose as close as we could to the porch and began to shower it down with water while avoiding the dessicated man.
"You damn kids coulda burned down my house- Damn you!" the Old man was like a bull horn and out came my mom and grandma.
The fire was out yet my brain began to burn- I was in such trouble. Proud and scared Jason and I put the hose up as my mom came over to talk to the the neighbor. I didn't even try to look at her I just walked by trying to be as good as I could and give off all the angelic I am the baby boy vibes as I could.
After the hose was put up I strained to look around the corner of the old man's house without being seen. The man's face was red and his mouth moved excitedly, like one of those Chinese movies except his lips were moving faster than the words. From whatever distance anyone could see he was animated and hot. My mom's face was a complete opposite, she was blank and calm and simply listened and took it all in, on occassion she nodded her head.
"We will take care of it, don't worry, I am sorry this happened, I am glad your house is okay and he will be punished."
That sentence echoed and sent shudders of fear throw me. I knew I was in trouble when the flames started now I was in utter fear of the enevitable punishment.
My mom walked off the porch and passed by me as I leaned on the old man's house.
"Jason, you need to go home and talk to your parents about what happened. I will be calling them here in a few minutes."
Jason almost near tears raced down the street kicking up dust like the truck and car from earlier.
I was so afraid, " Mommy, I am so sorry, I didn't mean it, if you want I can punish myself." Yeah I tried to bargain, because I knew the trouble I was in would be like no other. Come on I nearly burned down a mans house, right. Trying to negotiate with mom was a no go, she walked and I moved in her wake. Every step caused my feet to grow heavier and heavier and the house morphed into the look of a dungeon or the Tower of London.
Inside I grabbed a belt and began to inflict a whipping on myself, but no sympathy from mom or grandma- actually I believe grandma chuckled. I was doomed was the only thought in my mind.
My mom seemed in total control and all my bargains and ablutions did nothing, I knew she was mad and would probably wait, but what I wanted at the least was to have her punish me it would save the punishment from Dad, but I never expected the words that slipped from my mom's lips, "Go inside, go to your room, and WE are going to wait for your father."
Two on one- how far is that.

Worlds Collide

I had my doubts, but I was late and I didn't need any trouble at work. I ran down the dark hall and rushed into the bathroom for my morning shower. Maybe skipping it would be okay I thought, nah I have to have a shower. That morning I was very cold and felt uneasy- the kind of unease where your stomach feels upset and your mouth takes on a that sick taste. While I wondered if I was sick, time was too precious to waste and I could hear my boss yelling at me already.
.
Finally dressed, teeth brushed I ran outside to the car, and following me was that same sense of doubt and unease. Pulling out of the driveway the unease and doubt began to be replaced with fear and anxiety, it was probably something I ate. I did have some wine last night with my friends and roommates, my first real glass of wine, I probably wasn't used to it. I loved beer and some liquor, but had never really tried wine. Yeah that's what all this is, note to self don't ever drink wine again.

The drive was uneventful as were all of my early saturday morning commutes. The cool clean air rushed over my face and I seemed to hit all green lights, still feeling unsteady I didn't have time to think there just wasn't time- I had to move my ass.
My exit came into view I turned deftly onto the offramp and knew I was home free. Looking at my watch I smiled to myself, looks like I'm not going to be late after all. Pulling into the parking I couldn't have been happier, I was ontime- sweet!

Slamming the car into park and getting outside the car all seemed to happen at once. Before I knew what was happening my feet were stepping towards the front door. My arm stretched out and I caught a glimpse of myself in the clear glass doors. A shudder began at my fingers as they reached for the door handle. Slowly my fingers began to shake and it moved up my arm while the feeling of doubt and unease crept from inside my stomach and radiated inside my body. What was this feeling, a hangover, but i'd only had 2 glasses of wine, surely that isn't it. Opening the door the slow and sure steps became an unsteady amble towards the elevator. Fear began to mix with my doubt and unease- I'd never noticed how quite and dark this office was. The shadows were dark and more ominous and it seemed as if the light only made it worse, even as the sun rose above the trees it wasn't warm or bright. Ding- ding, I jumped as the elevator doors opened the creaking doors echoing down the silent empty halls and foyer. I just want to get to my desk and work, what was going on, why am i feeling like this. This isn't being sick, what the hell is this.

My heart was drumming- like fingers on desk my skin had goosebumps and my mind was blank except for this doubt, unease and fear. Aching pain gripped my head and I didn't know why or what for one thing became my goal to get to work- work will solve this I just need to be at my desk and talking to people. Where the hell is everyone I screamed inside my head, the elevator dinged and opened to my floor. I can't go to my desk just yet I am a wreck. I was excited and sweating, even my breathing was fast and hard as if i'd ran up the 4 flights of stairs to the floor. Running I hit the break room door and went inside. Everything was lit up and there wasn't a shadow anyone could notice. The television blared some early morning news program and the sofa sat empty. Thank God.

Calm down, breathe, easy, just breathe, through the nose and out the mouth- RELAX! After several minutes I was better, not much but better. Damn, now I am late- I made a bee line to my desk sat down and put the headset over my head. My co-worked looked at me, "late" she said, " I know, I was here just in the breakroom." I logged into my computer quickly.
"Don't worry about it, we have Mr. Naylor, he doesn't care so much as long as you're here and do the job."
" Cool!" I had hoped that news would help me relax, but it didn't.
" Are you all right?" Ella said, she looked concerned, but I avoided making eye contact. I didn't know what the hell was happening to me- shit it must be obvious.
" I am good, just moving fast you know."
I sat down in the chair and a fire jolt of pain shot through my seat up my spine wrapping itself over my body. I shot up out of the chair breathing heavily and trembling.
"hey, are you're sure your okay?" This time Ella had a tremble in her voice.
" yes, i am fucking great." I slowly returned to my chair and sat down. Ella turned away like a puppy who'd just had his nosed tapped by a paper. I settled down and turned to her, " hey, I'm sorry girl, I just am not feeling well and i don't know why."
" just trying to help. I know, really I didn't mean to take your head off." She turned to me and nodded, I knew she had a customer on her phone. Turning to the computer I began to finish my login.
Ella turned to me, " so," she paused I stared at my screen trying to keep the sickness or whatever you want to call it down and capped inside me. "what happened, why do you feel bad."
Speaking softly into my computer screen " I don't know," my voice cracked in the middle of the statement which made me doubt the self-assuredness I was trying to build.
"Oh, guess what my roommate did!"
"What you know I hate this game."
"He whipped out his dick at me last night, I think it was a pass."
"You think?" Ella had a voice that could seeth sarcasm. " Are you, you didn't, are you?"
That had been a game in the office was I or wasn't I- heck even I didn't know, but if you had to think about it than you are a little bit right?
"No, I didn't, we came back from a party and well, I didn't want to drink because of rugby and all. But he convinced me that a glass or two of wine wouldn't hurt. So he sent his partner to bed and well i had a second glass of wine and he flashed the goods."
" Oh my gosh- men are pigs." disbeleif tainted what she said as she rolled her eyes and shook the thought from her body.
"How can a guy just flop it out there and expect someone to jump on it as if it were freakin manna!"
"Hey, i said I didn't!"
"Not you just the thought that a guy could think that would work."
"it was funny, come on."
"I guess."
she asked again so " are you or not?"
" I don't know I've had a relationship with a guy, but I don't know- i don't see things like that you know. I mean if the right person comes along- i want to be with that person."
She now had the look of a satisfied cat who just captured her prey.
Then I put the headset over my head, in that instance the room dropped away and I was in darkness. A flash like lighting brightened the room and I realized I was in my bedroom, I could see the walls and feel the bed. I heard my voice weak and garbled, slurring the word "no, arghh...."
As quick as it came the darkness faded and I was at my desk, and hear over my headset-
"hello, is someone there, got damn technical support."
Hello, I am sorry, I am here, Thank you for calling tech support, how can I help you?"
I didn't dare look at Ella, I didn't have to I could feel her staring at me.
Finally as the call ended she looked at me, " what is wrong with you, you went pale and just like dissappeared, what happened?"
"Not sure, I was at home in bed and it was like a dream."
I felt a sudden flush of unease, fear and doubt creep inside me.
"You went pale and looked terrified. You really are scaring me. What happened last night."
"Nothing, nothing, I had a glass of wine i got tired and went to bed. I woke up and I feel bad."
"you feel sick?"
"No i feel bad- I feel bad i don't know how to describe it except for just bad, my stomach is in a knot, i am jumpy I feel like I want to vomit and i hurt."
"hurt, where do you hurt, what hurts."
"you saw me jump!" I was getting hot again and I didn't know why. But then I had to go to the bathroom I thought I was going to be sick. I signalled my boss and left for the mens room. Once there I rinsed my mouth and then went to a stall. Pulling down my pants and underwear, i froze. Inside my boxers something crimson spotted the fresh white panels. Instantly fear, doubt and unease devoured me. Pulling up my clothes I went back to my desk sitting down slowly I tried to forget and just work.
"Now what's wrong," Ellas said
I couldn't look at her, I was afraid.
" Ella, what do you think happend?"
"Well two glasses of wine, I know you aren't such a light weight," she smiled, and it made me feel good and safe. "What's wrong, please tell me A, something isn't right."
" I don't know, I don't know," my voice was now shaking and my resolve to be strong and fight the fear, unease and doubt was weakening. Ella could see my shaking and my rising self doubt.
"Ella, I have blood."
"Oh my god, your bleeding- where, I don't see any cuts" She was near frantic.
"calm down shhh.." I scolded. " there is blood on my underwear and pants. What does that mean?"
Ella looked at me slightly confused and scared." What happened last night- just tell me what your remember."
I slowly recounted the first glass of wine, and my roommates partner going to bed and then having a second glass when I wanted to just go to bed. I recounted the story of the penis pass made at me and how I had to finish the entire glass.
my roommate said, " it is rude and not nice to leave your host drinking alone and to not finish a glass of wine with a friend."
So I killed the glass of wine. It wasn't but a few minutes later that I could barely keep awake- I was tired and ready to go to bed. I remeber collapsing on the bed and I was so tired I didn't even take off my clothes. Then the realization hit me, but this morning I woke up naked.
It felt like a plastic bag was just wrapped around my head, my body began to shake and my stomach dropped off the edge of a cliff. There wasn't any net on this one and it felt as if my body was plunging towards the earth. Reality fell away again and I saw a man on the side of my bed, " Nooo," I manged to muster as I tried to pull away from his grip. Quick as that flash appeared it disappeared. Now I lost control of myself as the fear, doubt and unease coalesed into my muscles, tissue and mind- my spirit I felt was drowning in anxiety and my mind launched into a million what if's as I got up out of my seat. Confusion and disbeleif coarsed through my mind and shuddered over my body and I left out of the office building as quick as I could.
Once the air and sunlight hit me I lost all control and as if the pressure were just to much my eyes opened and water gushed out of them and my mouth opened and a gurlgled low rumbling "God no" repeated out my mouth "God no!"