Worlds Collide

I had my doubts, but I was late and I didn't need any trouble at work. I ran down the dark hall and rushed into the bathroom for my morning shower. Maybe skipping it would be okay I thought, nah I have to have a shower. That morning I was very cold and felt uneasy- the kind of unease where your stomach feels upset and your mouth takes on a that sick taste. While I wondered if I was sick, time was too precious to waste and I could hear my boss yelling at me already.
.
Finally dressed, teeth brushed I ran outside to the car, and following me was that same sense of doubt and unease. Pulling out of the driveway the unease and doubt began to be replaced with fear and anxiety, it was probably something I ate. I did have some wine last night with my friends and roommates, my first real glass of wine, I probably wasn't used to it. I loved beer and some liquor, but had never really tried wine. Yeah that's what all this is, note to self don't ever drink wine again.

The drive was uneventful as were all of my early saturday morning commutes. The cool clean air rushed over my face and I seemed to hit all green lights, still feeling unsteady I didn't have time to think there just wasn't time- I had to move my ass.
My exit came into view I turned deftly onto the offramp and knew I was home free. Looking at my watch I smiled to myself, looks like I'm not going to be late after all. Pulling into the parking I couldn't have been happier, I was ontime- sweet!

Slamming the car into park and getting outside the car all seemed to happen at once. Before I knew what was happening my feet were stepping towards the front door. My arm stretched out and I caught a glimpse of myself in the clear glass doors. A shudder began at my fingers as they reached for the door handle. Slowly my fingers began to shake and it moved up my arm while the feeling of doubt and unease crept from inside my stomach and radiated inside my body. What was this feeling, a hangover, but i'd only had 2 glasses of wine, surely that isn't it. Opening the door the slow and sure steps became an unsteady amble towards the elevator. Fear began to mix with my doubt and unease- I'd never noticed how quite and dark this office was. The shadows were dark and more ominous and it seemed as if the light only made it worse, even as the sun rose above the trees it wasn't warm or bright. Ding- ding, I jumped as the elevator doors opened the creaking doors echoing down the silent empty halls and foyer. I just want to get to my desk and work, what was going on, why am i feeling like this. This isn't being sick, what the hell is this.

My heart was drumming- like fingers on desk my skin had goosebumps and my mind was blank except for this doubt, unease and fear. Aching pain gripped my head and I didn't know why or what for one thing became my goal to get to work- work will solve this I just need to be at my desk and talking to people. Where the hell is everyone I screamed inside my head, the elevator dinged and opened to my floor. I can't go to my desk just yet I am a wreck. I was excited and sweating, even my breathing was fast and hard as if i'd ran up the 4 flights of stairs to the floor. Running I hit the break room door and went inside. Everything was lit up and there wasn't a shadow anyone could notice. The television blared some early morning news program and the sofa sat empty. Thank God.

Calm down, breathe, easy, just breathe, through the nose and out the mouth- RELAX! After several minutes I was better, not much but better. Damn, now I am late- I made a bee line to my desk sat down and put the headset over my head. My co-worked looked at me, "late" she said, " I know, I was here just in the breakroom." I logged into my computer quickly.
"Don't worry about it, we have Mr. Naylor, he doesn't care so much as long as you're here and do the job."
" Cool!" I had hoped that news would help me relax, but it didn't.
" Are you all right?" Ella said, she looked concerned, but I avoided making eye contact. I didn't know what the hell was happening to me- shit it must be obvious.
" I am good, just moving fast you know."
I sat down in the chair and a fire jolt of pain shot through my seat up my spine wrapping itself over my body. I shot up out of the chair breathing heavily and trembling.
"hey, are you're sure your okay?" This time Ella had a tremble in her voice.
" yes, i am fucking great." I slowly returned to my chair and sat down. Ella turned away like a puppy who'd just had his nosed tapped by a paper. I settled down and turned to her, " hey, I'm sorry girl, I just am not feeling well and i don't know why."
" just trying to help. I know, really I didn't mean to take your head off." She turned to me and nodded, I knew she had a customer on her phone. Turning to the computer I began to finish my login.
Ella turned to me, " so," she paused I stared at my screen trying to keep the sickness or whatever you want to call it down and capped inside me. "what happened, why do you feel bad."
Speaking softly into my computer screen " I don't know," my voice cracked in the middle of the statement which made me doubt the self-assuredness I was trying to build.
"Oh, guess what my roommate did!"
"What you know I hate this game."
"He whipped out his dick at me last night, I think it was a pass."
"You think?" Ella had a voice that could seeth sarcasm. " Are you, you didn't, are you?"
That had been a game in the office was I or wasn't I- heck even I didn't know, but if you had to think about it than you are a little bit right?
"No, I didn't, we came back from a party and well, I didn't want to drink because of rugby and all. But he convinced me that a glass or two of wine wouldn't hurt. So he sent his partner to bed and well i had a second glass of wine and he flashed the goods."
" Oh my gosh- men are pigs." disbeleif tainted what she said as she rolled her eyes and shook the thought from her body.
"How can a guy just flop it out there and expect someone to jump on it as if it were freakin manna!"
"Hey, i said I didn't!"
"Not you just the thought that a guy could think that would work."
"it was funny, come on."
"I guess."
she asked again so " are you or not?"
" I don't know I've had a relationship with a guy, but I don't know- i don't see things like that you know. I mean if the right person comes along- i want to be with that person."
She now had the look of a satisfied cat who just captured her prey.
Then I put the headset over my head, in that instance the room dropped away and I was in darkness. A flash like lighting brightened the room and I realized I was in my bedroom, I could see the walls and feel the bed. I heard my voice weak and garbled, slurring the word "no, arghh...."
As quick as it came the darkness faded and I was at my desk, and hear over my headset-
"hello, is someone there, got damn technical support."
Hello, I am sorry, I am here, Thank you for calling tech support, how can I help you?"
I didn't dare look at Ella, I didn't have to I could feel her staring at me.
Finally as the call ended she looked at me, " what is wrong with you, you went pale and just like dissappeared, what happened?"
"Not sure, I was at home in bed and it was like a dream."
I felt a sudden flush of unease, fear and doubt creep inside me.
"You went pale and looked terrified. You really are scaring me. What happened last night."
"Nothing, nothing, I had a glass of wine i got tired and went to bed. I woke up and I feel bad."
"you feel sick?"
"No i feel bad- I feel bad i don't know how to describe it except for just bad, my stomach is in a knot, i am jumpy I feel like I want to vomit and i hurt."
"hurt, where do you hurt, what hurts."
"you saw me jump!" I was getting hot again and I didn't know why. But then I had to go to the bathroom I thought I was going to be sick. I signalled my boss and left for the mens room. Once there I rinsed my mouth and then went to a stall. Pulling down my pants and underwear, i froze. Inside my boxers something crimson spotted the fresh white panels. Instantly fear, doubt and unease devoured me. Pulling up my clothes I went back to my desk sitting down slowly I tried to forget and just work.
"Now what's wrong," Ellas said
I couldn't look at her, I was afraid.
" Ella, what do you think happend?"
"Well two glasses of wine, I know you aren't such a light weight," she smiled, and it made me feel good and safe. "What's wrong, please tell me A, something isn't right."
" I don't know, I don't know," my voice was now shaking and my resolve to be strong and fight the fear, unease and doubt was weakening. Ella could see my shaking and my rising self doubt.
"Ella, I have blood."
"Oh my god, your bleeding- where, I don't see any cuts" She was near frantic.
"calm down shhh.." I scolded. " there is blood on my underwear and pants. What does that mean?"
Ella looked at me slightly confused and scared." What happened last night- just tell me what your remember."
I slowly recounted the first glass of wine, and my roommates partner going to bed and then having a second glass when I wanted to just go to bed. I recounted the story of the penis pass made at me and how I had to finish the entire glass.
my roommate said, " it is rude and not nice to leave your host drinking alone and to not finish a glass of wine with a friend."
So I killed the glass of wine. It wasn't but a few minutes later that I could barely keep awake- I was tired and ready to go to bed. I remeber collapsing on the bed and I was so tired I didn't even take off my clothes. Then the realization hit me, but this morning I woke up naked.
It felt like a plastic bag was just wrapped around my head, my body began to shake and my stomach dropped off the edge of a cliff. There wasn't any net on this one and it felt as if my body was plunging towards the earth. Reality fell away again and I saw a man on the side of my bed, " Nooo," I manged to muster as I tried to pull away from his grip. Quick as that flash appeared it disappeared. Now I lost control of myself as the fear, doubt and unease coalesed into my muscles, tissue and mind- my spirit I felt was drowning in anxiety and my mind launched into a million what if's as I got up out of my seat. Confusion and disbeleif coarsed through my mind and shuddered over my body and I left out of the office building as quick as I could.
Once the air and sunlight hit me I lost all control and as if the pressure were just to much my eyes opened and water gushed out of them and my mouth opened and a gurlgled low rumbling "God no" repeated out my mouth "God no!"